A Story from the founder of Free From Cannabis
Reading Time ~15 Minutes
Welcome to the Free From Cannabis Blog! My name is Dylan Fernando, and I’m the founder of Free From Cannabis.
Throughout my life, I’ve acquired many different labels: father, corporate lawyer, consultant, CEO, digital nomad, coach, yoga and meditation teacher, among others. Behind these titles, I also suffered from cannabis abuse and addiction for over 20 years.
I would love to open up to you and be vulnerable by sharing my story as our first blog post.
Why? There are two reasons. The first is that if you are seriously considering quitting getting high with our help, I feel it is important that you know our story. The second is that I hope to inspire you to share your story, as shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces.
Let’s begin…
My affair with cannabis started with the resin derivative (hashish) and goes way back to 1999 – I was 13 years old. Gibraltar, being so close geographically to Morocco, meant that smoking potent hash was a culturally common affair.
When I smoked cannabis for the first time during a summer school break, peer pressured by my older cousins and friends, I instantly fell in love with the way it made me feel. I felt calmer and relaxed, and it somehow quieted my always racing hyperactive mind. I recall that smoking reduced my constant social and general baseline anxiety and restlessness.
It did not take long for me to bring the habit of getting “high” into my solitary and introverted world – into my comfort zone. I very quickly began to smoke daily on every occasion I could, sometimes even skipping school to get high with my friends. Every night, I would wait impatiently for my parents to go to sleep, and as soon as they did, I would spark one up, watch TV or play video games until I crashed out. In the morning, I’d wake up groggy, unmotivated, depressed and forced to go to school against my will. I abused cannabis heavily like this for several years until I left my girlfriend at the time pregnant – I was 16.
The truth is I was feeling terrible whilst I smoked. Unable to feel any joy, numbed, overwhelmed, lethargic, and confused, I felt like I was drowning in life, especially as a soon-to-be teenage father.
Despite living in a haze, something inside of me knew I wanted to be a good parent and role model for my daughter. I mean, life was hard enough for me as it was. And so, the love I had for my unborn child helped me decide to quit smoking hash. I did so cold turkey from one day to the next.
To this day, over 20 years later, I still remember vividly experiencing the nasty withdrawal effects for the first time. Panic, anxiety, restless legs, insomnia and a lingering state of depression and despair that I had to endure and suffer in solitude. Compound the latter with rough adolescence and a complicated teen-parent situation, and it’s not difficult to imagine the magnitude of my inner hell.
My detox from cannabis manifested outwardly in ugly ways: I was constantly irritable, hostile, isolated and had the worst mood swings. I craved the drug and the need to escape my reality so deeply. I was just a boy, but I suffered profoundly because of my cannabis abuse. I remember wishing I had never tried smoking for the first time. The regret was real.
Eventually, I weathered the nasty withdrawals and band-aided the deep-rooted psychological attachment to getting high and escaping my unprocessed emotional turmoil.
As a soon-to-be parent, depending on my parents financially, emotionally, and physically for absolutely everything at that time riddled me with shame and guilt. However, it also gave me a profound desire to study abroad and become a lawyer. I desperately wanted to make something of myself, to prove to others (most of all my teachers who had by then given up believing in me) that I was not a lost cause. Most of all, I wanted to provide for my beautiful baby girl and give her a good life.
And so, I stopped smoking cannabis for the remaining years of high school.
Reflecting now, with hindsight, having a clear mind during that cannabis-free phase allowed me to take responsibility and graduate school so I could further my education in college.
During my first year at university, I went through a traumatic breakup with my daughter’s mother. I was also under significant pressure from law school's demanding study requirements. Furthermore, being unaware of my undiagnosed ADHD made it excruciatingly stressful and painful to focus on, learn, and memorise dull and mundane legal concepts. In chapter 3 of the program, we look into the link between ADHD and cannabis addiction.
Not knowing any better, it was a matter of time before my young unconscious self reverted to old patterns of escapism and unhealthy coping mechanisms. Soon thereafter, I once again began “self-medicating” by chronic weed smoking.
Smoking potent low-quality street “skunk” during university made me extremely anxious, paranoid and highly dysfunctional. I recall having a psychotic episode one evening where I thought I was going to lose my mind and possibly die.
I was so traumatised by the experience that I somehow managed to quit smoking after this episode. I was young, but my Higher Self knew that if I continued to go down the path of abusing cannabis daily, not only would I fail university and let my daughter and family down, but there was a possibility I could end up institutionalised in a mental hospital. This possibility petrified me to the bone!
My fearful experience in university propelled me to abstain from getting high for a few years.
And so I graduated and became a lawyer. I returned to Gibraltar from the UK and started working at a prestigious law firm. I didn’t smoke cannabis in the early stages of my career, but I binge drank heavily on weekends as it was not only socially acceptable but encouraged. In the program, we learn about how cross-addiction manifests on our journey and how to tackle it from the root!
My career and reputation were very important to me, and this motivated me to abstain from getting high. The issue was that I had not addressed the underlying roots of my cannabis addiction.
A few years into my high-flying legal career, the overwhelming stress of the profession started to take its toll. I craved getting high to alleviate stress and escape my problems. It was only a matter of time until I met someone and started a relationship. Unsurprisingly, she was a heavy cannabis smoker. Law of Attraction 101. It was game over. My cannabis addiction came roaring back with a vengeance.
In the program, we dive deep into how to deal with and manage relationships on your journey to become free from cannabis.
The following couple of years went by rapidly in a haze of smoke. I was trapped in a vicious cycle of enabling and drama all the time, living with crippling anxiety. I often think about how on earth I managed to survive and function during those days.
Here’s the thing: in my mind, I never let smoking cannabis interfere with my professional duties. I never showed up high to work but always felt like I was walking under a couple of feet of water. Struggling. I also suffered terribly from a pathological level of cannabis fuelled procrastination.
I could not wait to finish work every day, rush home and smoke myself to oblivion. Everything revolved around me getting high. Nothing else seemed to matter as much.
The excessive smoking slowly turned me into a hermit, a recluse, and I withdrew entirely from social engagements— just the bare minimum.
It’s no surprise. Smoking daily flooded my brain with copious amounts of dopamine, which fried my motivation and reward circuitry. My dopamine reward system was broken. Anything that required even the slightest effort was doomed to fail. I became inert and disconnected from myself, my family, friends, nature, and spirit.
Every morning, I would wake up groggy, with no energy, feeling a bottomless pit of despair and dread pulsating within my entire being.
My excessive smoking distorted my relationship with food. I binged on junk food constantly and couldn’t maintain a fitness routine as much as I tried.
The cognitive dissonance (the wanting to do something but acting oppositely) resulted in toxic levels of shame and guilt. Deep down, I knew I had to quit, but I simply couldn’t. I was in denial.
Those were dark times. I remember suffering so much in silence. In secret. I was slowly crushing my soul. I felt like a suffering mess of unrealised potential. It’s no wonder they called it the “secret addiction”.
The irony is that from an external perspective, I was “successful” whatever that means. But the truth was that inside, I was suffering terribly, and I knew that I deserved and could do so much better with my life.
There is a false belief that we can be a stoner and highly functional. It’s not true. We are always in an uphill struggle, suffering and barely realising our potential.
My situation with cannabis was analogous to the frog in boiling water.
Like a frog that doesn't realise it's in slowly heated water until it's too late, cannabis addiction begins subtly, often in an environment that seems fun, safe and inviting. At first, the warmth of the water is a comfort, much like the initial soothing effects of cannabis that seem to ease the pressures of daily life. However, as the temperature gradually rises, the frog – and the individual – become desensitised to the danger. The incrementally increasing heat goes unnoticed, and the ability to decide to jump out diminishes.
With cannabis, as with the water for the frog, the change isn't sudden, but the end result is just as devastating. What began as a relief becomes a trap. Just as the frog remains in the water, not perceiving the impending peril, the person addicted to cannabis may not recognise the slow erosion of their vitality, potential, and joy. The water's rising heat is akin to the increasing reliance on the substance – it's a silent, creeping, insidious process that, by the time it becomes unbearable, leaves the individual drained, trapped in a haze of dependency that extinguishes the very essence of their being. The tragedy is that the water still looks calm from the outside, and the person appears in control, while internally, the damage and pain are unbearable.
What an accurate analogy huh?
My toxic relationship with cannabis continued for years.
During that time, I desperately tried to quit smoking after my mental health hit rock bottom more times than I can remember. I tried reading self-help books on addiction and even went through the traditional psychotherapy route. I recall feeling misunderstood and judged by my therapists. Nothing seemed to work.
I would often throw away my stash, promising to quit, only to find myself digging up through the trash or shamefully calling my dealer to score again that very evening.
“I’ll quit on Monday, after the weekend. I’ll quit after Christmas, my birthday, when the summer ends, when I’m 30. There was always some future date I’d sworn I would quit but never actually did.
I mentioned that my relationship with cannabis was toxic because it resembled a toxic relationship with a partner. I knew cannabis was not good for me. It was hurting me deeply. I felt deep down that I deserved so much better, yet I couldn’t break up with it. I was anxiously co-dependent and attached. I was addicted. I needed help, but I was lost. I didn’t know where or how to seek the help I desperately needed. I was confused and alone, tormented and utterly consumed by an internal battle within that rendered me into a shadow of the man I knew I could be.
In 2016, I experienced profound psychological and material loss due to a complex family business dispute. A nervous breakdown quickly ensued. Without getting into detail, for legal and privacy reasons, all I can say is that that chapter of my life was dark and traumatic. It broke me. The intense pain and suffering, however, led to a spiritual awakening. This harrowing and traumatic experience was the catalyst that propelled me on the journey to finally become free from cannabis.
For most of 2018, I spent my days in isolation, working on myself. I discovered the path of yoga and meditation, devoted my time to developing my practice and cultivating an internal sense of inner peace and presence.
In 2019, I completed my certification as a professional certified coach in London. I had discovered my passion to help and serve others. Slowly but surely, I started to elevate my consciousness and do the work to unearth the roots of my addictive behaviour that led me to abuse cannabis. Doing the work was not easy. It was challenging but the most rewarding thing I had ever done.
Quitting cannabis, facing my demons and doing the inner work allowed me to awaken spiritually and unleash my true potential. I cultivated self-love and compassion. I slowly became aware that nothing outside of me can make me feel truly happy or content. With time, I forgave myself and asked others for forgiveness. Wow, this exercise of forgiveness was so liberating! In the program, we get you to write a letter of forgiveness and release, which you then burn in a ritual! Powerful stuff!
During my time in solitary refinement, as I like to call it, I embraced very helpful philosophies, such as stoicism and minimalism, among others. As my level of awareness grew, I slowly started to alchemise my pain and suffering into true growth. I was no longer a victim and reacting to life like an unstable radioactive particle. I was taking responsibility for my life, and this felt so empowering.
The love and support of my mentors helped guide me on the path to healing. I finally began to see through the unconscious pursuit of material success and the toxic hustle culture that had broken me and made me sick. I confronted my colossal ego, outgrew my limiting beliefs, and started appreciating what is truly valuable: your health, family and friends, human connection, and love. In the program, we work on harmonising these essential pillars of life!
Eventually, I drastically downsized my lifestyle, sold my assets, and moved to Bali in January 2020.
In the tropical jungles of Ubud, Bali, I accomplished my dream of becoming a certified yoga and mindfulness meditation teacher. I became more present and learned to regulate my emotions in healthier ways.
Meditating in the jungles of Bali is where I channelled the idea to create Free From Cannabis. The program has been almost five years in the making!
Being free from cannabis allowed me to become financially prudent. I was also able to grow my online coaching and consulting business. This allowed me to live the nomadic, remote lifestyle I had always wanted. I was finally living the dream I had always known was possible for me, but I had denied myself by falling into the hellish grip of cannabis addiction.
During my time in Bali, I invested thousands of dollars in my personal and spiritual development. I underwent numerous trainings and devoted myself to true and profound healing. I worked with somatic and trauma-releasing therapists and breathwork and shadow work teachers; I joined addiction recovery communities and learned about new ways of looking at and effectively treating addictive behaviour.
My journey of healing and transformation was undoubtedly the most beautiful and fulfilling experience of my life. Now, as you read this, I can say with pride that for over 8 years, I have not consumed cannabis in any form. Moreover, it has become a non-issue. I don’t think about it. I am not tempted. In fact, I could go to a party and see and smell people smoking, and it wouldn’t even cross my mind to try it. I became free and the architect of my destiny. I rose from the ashes like a phoenix. This symbology of the phoenix rising from the ashes is represented in our logo/emblem and is engrained in the ethos of our program.
From the ashes, we will rise!
Everything I have learned on my journey, all the trial and error, the blood, sweat and tears, my embodied wisdom, and that of my many mentors and teachers, is my unique offering and contribution to the program and to you, should you wish.
I created Free From Cannabis in collaboration with the top people in the field: doctors, therapists, teachers, healers and with the help of people who overcame cannabis abuse & addiction. We know what you are going through, and we will help you overcome your cannabis issue in a safe and empowering space.
What we have to offer you is a fast-tracked, guided and supported journey filled with a community full of love and support and all the tools and resources you need to become free from cannabis and transform your life in unimaginable ways. No sensationalism. No Bullshit. A program that works and delivers.
The Free From Cannabis program gives you access to everything that my younger self desperately needed but was tragically unable to find.
Helping you on your journey towards healing, transformation, and freedom is my divine purpose (my Ikigai as you can learn to discover yours in chapter 7 of the program) and that of all the team here at Free From Cannabis.
I genuinely believe that once we have gone through a tumultuous journey of profound suffering and slain the proverbial dragon in the cave, we have our moral obligation to help and serve others on their journeys. Even if we help one soul, it would have all been worth it!
I like to think of us like little lighthouses, illuminating the path for others to avoid crashing into the perilous rocky coasts on their journeys.
I trust that reading this post is the first step on your journey. You too can soon be the person who helps, serves, and inspires others on their journey with your gifts and in your own unique way.
Finally, please know that you are a blessing to this world; you have so much to live for, contribute, share, and accomplish. I cannot wait to see you rise above the ashes and become free from cannabis.
All my love
Dylan
